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Questions and answers

Sujata Prakash

Questions. Many of them, to which we wanted answers, and there was no one around to give them to us.

So here they are, the questions, and the answers. Finally.

Ajay Sharma: I've managed to become friendly with the national cricket captain and he is away in Sharjah playing a (supposedly) tense series. What should I do if my son, brother or dog falls ill? How many times can I call him during the (supposedly) tense match to keep him updated on the progress of the convalescent?

Answer: 8-10 times is normal. If all family members are hale and hearty then you can always call to wish the player best of luck.

Ajay Sharma: But what if the 5th time I called him, he'd just gotten out for a duck and an Indian defeat is imminent?

Answer: Well, that happened a few times and all I could say was 'that sure is the best of luck for us!'

Question for Ram Jethmalani: I've lost all interest in cricket and distrust all players. The CBI is intent only in grilling the suspects (that too, rare and tender) and announcing they have done so. Will we ever clean up our cricket?

Answer: You're right, we will never clean up our cricket. Fortunately we now have the choice to stop complaining and to forgive, forget and move on.

Question: You want us to forget we were cheated?

Answer: No, forget cricket exists. It's a boon for people like me who would bunk office to watch a match. Now I don't have to get excited-- which is bad for my heart anyways-- when Tendulkar makes a century.

Over now to Shane Warne, who spills the whole can of Heinz beans on the secret of his success with women:

Question: How did you manage to fool women for so long? It took a Donna to expose you as fat and ugly.

Answer: Never pick a nurse to practice your 'lines' on. They have no sense of humour and they secretly hate men. Perhaps because they see so many in their rawest and most natural state. Try to pick the ones who would get turned on by obscene messages left on their machines.

Question: You mean the dumb blonde types?

Answer: Exactly! I've been called that and yes, I'm happy to say I don't believe in boring anyone with polite, intelligent conversation - what a turn off!

Rashid Latif exposes the biggest crooks in Indian cricket:

Question: Why do you feel Prabhakar is a liar and the biggest badmash of all?

Answer: Firstly, all the people he secretly taped are in reality struggling actors and in cahoots with him. His aim was to make a comedy called 'Tahelka' but as no film maker evinced an interest in the project he did it himself. Secondly, knowing that I was available as the main lead he ignored me.

Question: Why do you think it's impossible for the CBI to not get results?

Answer: I watch Hindi movies and I know when they want to, the police can even make the President sing. If the CBI can't do the job it should change it's name, to something like Central Bureau of Ineptitude.

Question: You've stated that Sachin Tendulkar is the man who knows everything and should be questioned?

Answer: Absolutely! Watch any good whodunit and you'll know that the culprit is the one whom no one ever suspected - the hero!

Sujata Prakash