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Jaanko raakhey Saaiyan...

I have my feet up on the desk, the keyboard on my lap. Dense puffs of smoke swirl and ascend... ah heaven! I'm relaxed: I unpacked my bags last night and cashed in my one-way ticket to Anywhere-outside-India (the wise take safety precautions). The janadesh is: Bhosle has been granted a 5-year extension to live in an India ruled by an Indian. You see, different things are of crucial value to different people; for me, holding my nationalistic head high has always been of paramount importance: I would rather be self-willed and destitute than servile and prosperous. So I rewarded myself with a cigar since I like to believe that I contributed in some small way to the conditions that produce my current sense of well-being...

I have no intention of delving into figures and giving you deep numerical insights vis-a-vis Elections 1999 -- we all know where that got Arun Nehru. Not only am I not even an amateur psephologist, but I also had a hostile parting with mathematics at an early age. Even so, I bet Rs 300 on the NDA crossing 290 seats. My calculations had nil to do with regional/caste factors, tactical alliances and the such. I had a very simple formula -- Believe in Advaniji. If you remember, he had said that he expected 300, plus or minus 10. Result: I raked it in, while my favourite budding-fundie, Saisuresh, lost. Naturally, I grabbed his ponytail and rubbed his big mouth on the sainted editor's dust-covered telly. Why should only BJP's Sushil Modi get to crow? Oh, an exchange from Star News: "Tele-Communism spread the idea that the NDA won't get a majority." Smart-ass anchor: "You mean 'telecommunication,' Mr Modi?" Modi: "I said, tele-Communism."

Yeah, I've been continuously surfing between Doodarshan, DD Metro, Star News, Zee News and BBC. Problem was, I couldn't decide what to watch and what to not. Spread across the five channels, anchors included Swapan Das Gupta, Vir Sanghvi, Karan Thapar, Tavleen Singh, Saeed Naqvi, Vinod Dua, Praful Bidwai, Prannoy Roy; analysts included Vinod Mehta, M J Akbar, Aroon Purie, H K Dua, Joginder Singh, Prabhu Chawla, Mark Tully, Inder Malhotra, Ved Marwah, Chandan Mitra. And then there were the five-o-clock-faces: Jairam Ramesh, Jaya Jaitley, Our Man in Delhi, Pramod Mahajan, Govindacharya, Ambulance Chaser, Pranab Mukherjee, Sitaram Yechuri, etc, etc. A non-stop gab-fest for those who breathe politics. But don't ask me who said what where: they kept hopping from one studio to another and I soon lost track.

I can only dissect some bits and pieces of sagacity that I picked up -- from experts who were just as bewildered as I. Let me 'fess up: I never for a moment believed that the Shiv Sena had a chance, or that the BJP's Jaywanti Mehta would defeat Murli Deora from my South Bombay constituency. Yes, I'd mentioned that too many normal people were angry at Balasaheb's disenfranchisement and that that could convert into votes. But "normal" is the operative word here; not too many of those here, I'd thought. But Raj Thackeray confirmed, "People are angry. If illegal immigrants and Tiger Memon's family are allowed to vote, why can't Balasaheb?" As for Deora, here's an interesting tidbit: On the day of the poll, Dawood Ibrahim's mother, who lived in Bombay, died. Her funeral was attended by hordes of Dawood's well-wishers. And Murli Deora was heard moaning about the dent the funeral caused in his vote-bank... As I always say, Jaanko raakhe Saaiyan, maar sakey na koi...

But first, let's all crow at the losers: Laloo Prasad Yadav, Meira Kumar ("BJP fooled my illiterate voters into pressing the first button on the AVMs"); Humble Farmer Deve Gowda ("I accept the verdict; I must work as a humble worker of the party"); Jar Jar Jogi, Subramanian Swamy (lost his deposit -- but who on Earth are the 20,000 who actually voted for him?!); Balram Jakhar; and, tan-ta-ra... Manmohan Singh, architect of Manmohanomics. I instantly called up my gorgeous Sardars in Delhi. Uniform response: How dare he try to exculpate the Congress for its role in the anti-Sikh riots of 1984! Another thing the pundits never considered was that the BJP's Vijay Malhotra has been a grassroots worker - since 1967. Manmohan's appeal was a media-created myth and it belongs in the newspaper raddi.

Yeah, the BJP swept Delhi like no party has ever before. There were hundreds of explanations given by many experts -- but none mentioned that which I think made Delhi see saffron: The grovelling behaviour of chief chamchi Sheila Dixit after Madam President resigned "in a huff." When the capital was in the grip of a water and power crisis, its secretariat lay deserted and its chief minister sat in dharna, participating in a fast and demanding that the Shroud rescue the flock. Methinks, Delhi made up its mind then. And I believe, so did Madhya Pradesh and Rajasthan. Aren't these the states where the Congress got a nice thramming? Didn't these CMs run to Delhi and "resign"? Another factor, I'm certain, is the full-page ad blitz by Communalism Combat. What a waste of moolah, hahahahaha...

Everybody and his uncle has been saying that Sonia Gandhi's origins and incompetence have not been issues in this election. I say: Bullshit. Vir Sanghvi strove to establish that The Face That Launched A Thousand Hardships' winning Bellary and Amethi was an affirmative referendum on the swadeshi-videshi issue. So I added that to my To-Contemplate list. Minutes later, Jairam Ramesh quoth, "Congress' winning only 113 to 115 seats all over India cannot be taken as a referendum on Mrs Gandhi's abilities." Huh? If two piddly little towns elect the Italian, she's immediately endorsed as Swadeshi. And if ALL of India rejects her minions -- she is not to be blamed! Tch, tch, tch... such sophistry. I blew Vinod Dua a kiss when he pointed out that the Congress tally is its lowest ever; that Sitaram Kesri had brought in more seats as Congress prez; that it's fair to say that if Kesri was made to resign for 140 seats, the Shroud should also be, for less.

Similarly, there's this prevalent thought that if Sharadrao had not split, the Congress would have swept Maharashtra. I beg to differ. For it presumes that there is no such thing as an anti-Sonia vote. It is just as likely that all such votes -- and they do exist -- could well have translated into NDA's. I do NOT buy that the foreigner issue is of no consequence.

It's possible that Rajesh Pilot will mount an attack on his party's presidency: "When the party's leadership needed to be challenged, I did that." But then, you never know with Conggies -- least of all, Pilot. Now they're saying that Sharadrao has cut a deal with the Congress in Maharashtra and is likely to support it in its bid for the Vidhan Sabha. Oh well, if that happens, I can always go back to "Milquetoast." But I'm not so bothered: What really mattered was the Dilli takht...

The funniest clip of the day was on Star News. Sharad Yadav, who slew Laloo, was being interviewed on the road opposite South Block. He had just returned from Nirvachan Bhavan and was accompanied by his lawyer who stood right behind him. In the middle of the interview, beep-beep-beep went the lawyer's mobile phone. The lawyer hastily shut it (or whatever it is that people do to those despicable instruments). A minute later, beep-beep-beep it went again. And what do you think Sharad Yadav did? He elbowed the lawyer hard in the pecs! Correct treatment for cellphone users. I already like this awful arm of the NDA.

The other entertainer was Amar Singh. You must know, the Samajwadi Party -- contrary to all predictions in the English Press -- made gains in UP at the cost of the BJP and Congress. As Swee'pea Swapan so pithily put it, "Mulayam Singh's is an astonishing victory over journalism." Naturally, Amar Singh had a lot of bile to spew... About Dilip Kumar's campaign against Mulayam: "I still don't know what part he played -- dakait of Ganga Jamuna or the joker of Ram Aur Shyam." I purrred. When Sibal accused Mulayam of "playing casteist politics," Amar Singh: "This is your allegation! Because you are frustrated!" I folded over, and so did all the anchors.

Strangely, even the anchors displayed aggro! Dorab Sopariwala, the ever-smiling psephologist, blazed at Sibal: "But WHO will take responsibility for the loss? SOMEONE HAS TO!" What could Sibal say? "Madam will"...? And Karan Thapar's grilling of the hum-system-ke-against-hai Kanshi Ram had everyone in splits: "Apki yeh maange HAIN KYA?!" Next, Rajdeep Sardesai to Sibal: "Do you concede defeat?" Sibal: blah blah blah. Rajdeep: "DO you concede defeat?" Sibal: blah blah blah. Rajdeep: DO YOU concede defeat?" Sibal: blah blah blah. Rajdeep: "DO YOU CONCEDE DEFEAT?" Next, ever-amiable Prannoy lost his cool with Sushma Swaraj: "Haven't you learnt ANYTHING from the people, that food, water, electricity and education are the issues that matter?!" And my favourite, from Naqvi to Vasant Sathe: "Aap Delhi mein aake rahiye. Maharashtra ki dukaan ab band kijiye."

Initially, the Pomeranian hogged a lot of limelight. I was happy to let him: No one would ever understand a word he'd say about Manmoan Shing, or that Kuddappah uvas nheber caunsidered, or about Borotpooor and Dosha. Indeed, I myself gave up after "phiphtee baan paar cent bhotes spleet hota hai."

The quote of the day came from Sharadrao, when Prannoy asked him if he'd made a mistake by leaving the Congress: "I prefer to be a king in Bharat than a slave here." This said from next to Madhav Scindia...

Tragic realisation of the day: Jairam Ramesh has totally lost it. Some pearls: The Congress wasn't picking up votes because its ran-niti was geared for a battle between Congress and BJP, but the BJP turned it to Atal vs Sonia. The defeat of the BJP in UP is a referendum on Vajpayee. There's an anti-incumbency wave in Punjab, Karnataka and UP -- but none in MP. And, the cherry on the cake: Chandrababu Naidu's governance is all hype and he won only because of "electoral tactics." Now, the rest, I can lump. But the Cyber-CM's victory in AP *cannot* be scoffed; let's face it, he's the only guy who's delivered. And he's yet another who's slapped the media hard on its face. Finally, Arun Jaitley pointed out, "Jairam's been making these statements since the last 50 hours: the Congress will get over 140 seats; NDA will not get a majority; BJP will not be the single largest party. All have been proven wrong."

Then there were the pinkos... What to say? The case of the People vs the Left is exemplified by this exchange between Yechuri and Arun. Yechuri: "There is a churning in the Indian polity. The spirit of this election is for the Third Front blah blah blah." Arun: "With a base of 90 seats, how can they talk of a Third Front?"

All in all, I'm satisfied the way the worm's turned. Things could be worse; I could be in Tihar. What disappointment I have is all based on Punjab. I'd felt this was the one state that wouldn't inch Congress-wards -- and it simply threw itself into that unholy lap! I cannot come to terms with it; it's a personal betrayal.

The last word must go to Prabhu Chawla, who encapsulated the mood of the people for a Congresswallah: "You use the internal contradictions in parties -- and all have some -- to fell them. This time, your experiment has failed. A government that was pulled down by you has been resurrected by the people." Hear, hear...

Varsha Bhosle