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Plan to bomb Vajpayee? For me, too!

I'd make a successful politician: I've suddenly discovered that Tariq Anwar is as sexy as Pramod Mahajan and that Purno Sangma is cherubic. And, of course, the Maratha Strongman... about which nomenclature one reader had valid yet irrelevant objections. Thing is, Mr Pawar is a Kunbi; but even if he were a Maratha, we still wouldn't associate him with the tradition of Chhatrapati Shivaji. Just as we don't associate the likes of Madhav Scindia with Swarajya. The latter-day Marathas, like the Rajputs, degenerated into a class whose position was that of glorified janitors to our colonial rulers. Caste connotations are garbage: The backward caste Pawar and the scheduled tribe Sangma have shown more spine than the so-called Kshatriyas and Brahmins, the Digvijay Singhs and Mani Shankar Aiyars prostrated before the Shroud.

< Believe it or not, my support to the Trinity doesn't rest merely on the clash with Sonia. They've achieved something that's of more consequence to the Indian polity: They've destroyed decades of pinko propaganda by wresting "nationalism" from the confines of Nazism -- thereby also legitimising the RSS credo... "This is a question of our national pride." "The pull of the soil of my birth is much stronger than any other attachment." "We can make rapid progress, overcome our problems of poverty and unemployment, if the people are awakened to their spirit of nationalism and patriotism." All this, within four days of the letter bomb. Now imagine the heights nationalist rhetoric will scale during the campaign trail... The danger is, these ex-Congressmen can render it as meaningless as "secularism" and "communalism".

Naturally, alarmed secularists, such as the powers at the ToI, are busy putting another spin on it: "The ideas of 'nation' and 'nationalism' are only a few hundred years old, born out of specific historical needs in Europe. The worship of the nation is completely alien to the Indian tradition, being a product of German romanticism." How perceptive. But may I remind the editor that worship of the proletariat or the lower castes is also alien to the Indian tradition, being a product of European romanticism -- but that doesn't stop you from eulogizing it, inn'it? When will these guys learn that equivocation is a major bore?

It so happened that the BBC's India specialist, Mark Tully, was interviewing the mater for Radio 3 over the weekend. I promptly cornered him for some quotes. It was not a propitious beginning: "Why have you forsaken an honourable profession such as your mother's and taken up journalism? Journalists are people who know an awful lot about awful little..." I smiled daggers.

As always is the case when veteran newsmen hold forth, the juiciest remarks stay off the record. Here are the "bland" bits: "It's sad that the Indian National Congress should be completely dependent on one family; the total surrender of a national party to one person is deplorable. You have to ask the question, What claims does Sonia Gandhi have to justify her candidature for prime-ministership? It is ludicrous to compare her with Annie Besant. What role has she played in building India over all these years? Running a country is far more complicated than running a company. Apprenticeship is required in any profession -- more so in politics. As one of my friends said, She can't parachute in from the top!"

One of the things I couldn't help notice was that Mr Tully kept lapsing into colloquial Hindi, especially so when talking about the janata or Indian history. And, he spoke to mommie dearest in perfectly lucid Hindi. His companion, the charming Gillian Wright speaks shuddh Hindi, and refuses to converse in it with Mr Tully in fear that his "bazaar-learnt" idiom may ruin her language. What a far cry from Citizen Sonia, who still needs notes written in the Roman script to teach Indianness to Indians in Hindi.

No, Mr Tully is not a com-div-fundie force: There were many uneasy glances passed at his associate when your favourite psycho shot off her mouth on Pakistan, Kashmir and the foreign-origin issue. Which is what makes his assessment of the Congress Party and the Shroud's non-experience all the more damning.

Tomorrow, we'll know what the AICC and the Trinity will have resolved in their respective meets. I won't insult your intelligence by mulling over the possibility of yet another "real" Congress emerging. It's Sonia's next move which has the country with bated breath. She's caught between the Scylla and the Charybdis (which were located on the Italian side of the Strait of Messina, BTW). If she retracts her resignation "under pressure" from the sycophants' transparent nautanki, her high moral ground is done for -- and goodbye, any chance of a sympathy wave. If she doesn't, the Congress is done for -- and hello, Bofors...

On the tube, seasoned journalist Inder Malhotra made an incisive comment on the Congress. He said the party thrives on sycophancy, yes, but what we shouldn't forget is that these politicians are going through the motions only because Sonia is their best vote catcher. Meaning, loyalty is linked to profitability; the minute Sonia sinks, the rats will latch on to Mr Pawar. Fact is, the Shroud's Italian origin *has* become a national issue; it's a nemesis for the plotting which demolished Atalji's government. Much before the revolt, I'd watched Yashwant Sinha pitted against Manmohan Singh and Jaipal Reddy on BBC World. Pranoy Roy moderated very fairly (but he's a babe and it's entirely possibly I don't see beyond that). The large audience spontaneously clapped four times -- and only for Sinha. What drew the loudest applause was Sinha's disgust at the possibility of an Italian becoming India's PM...

Meanwhile, the Western media went gaga over the prospect of PM Sonia. CNN said she was our "most popular politician"; the Beeb highlighted her "political pedigree" in its profile of the soon-to-be PM, including the probability of her daughter, son-in-law and son carrying the torch of the "Nehru-Gandhi dynasty." Over all, there was barely concealed glee at India having its "first non-Hindu prime minister."

Forget the opinion polls, here's what was actually happening among the common folk: In Calcutta, Kashmira Sil arranged a wedding between two dolls named Jyoti and Sonia. Ms Sil justified the 200-guests event by saying that since politicians were indifferent to colossal wastage like "unnecessary elections involving an expenditure of Rs 1,200 crore," there was nothing wrong in an extravagant dolls' wedding. "Most popular politician"...?

But let's jump to the resignation dramebaazi. Purno Sangma set the ball rolling at the May 15 CWC meeting. The Shroud made the usual noises about the "non-issue" of her foreign origin, and R K Dhawan, supported by Pranab Mukherjee, introduced the resolution to make her the prime-ministerial candidate. Which is when Mr Sangma raised the dual citizenship issue. Mukherjee tried to shush him but Mr Sangma asserted, "Even in your television interviews you appear as if you are not sure whether she has two passports. None of us know!" Rajesh Pilot, too, agreed that it was a serious matter. Nevertheless, the resolution was passed...

Now the mood among the ultra-loyalists is: Get those who mutely watched Mr Sangma attack the Shroud. The Pioneer informs us that this philosophy is influenced by "the sense of deep hurt" suffered by Sonia, and that a list of Congressmen of "doubtful loyalty" is under preparation. The headhunters have begun to grade members according to their response at the meeting. Rajesh Pilot, for instance, is marked as one who may collaborated with the Trinity, and Meira Kumar is believed to have helped draft the letter.

However, the supreme quote on the sulking supreme commander comes from the cream of the Congress: "Our Rajmata has withdrawn into the kop bhavan. All of us rushed to the capital. All that we received was Mrs Gandhi's darshan... She simply looked at us in stony silence." Kop bhavan ("anger house") is where miffed queens of yore retired... This is a worrisome peculiarity. If she does become PM, what's the guarantee that the Shroud won't resign each time someone challenges her decision? And if her resignation is followed by mass resignations by the cabinet and party MPs, whither the Government of India...? Do we need Bollywood melodrama at the national level?

Behold the scene at the AICC headquarters: Congress workers "angrily warned" Ajit Jogi that they couldn't continue with their hunger strike indefinitely (bhakti doesn't come easily to the starving). However, hawkers did brisk business: pakoras, kulfi, ice-cream and paan were a sell-out. Babu Ram from Haryana sold twice the amount of namkeen he usually does; Bhola from Ghaziabad sold 8 kg of dried coconut -- "daily sales have never been so good," he beamed.

Not to forget Roshnara Square, Bhopal: Five Congress workers of a suicide squad announced their decision to leap off a building. Only one reached the 7th floor -- and promptly returned to the Congress pandal. The police left, convinced that no one really wanted to take a dive... Then, a three-man self-immolation squad climbed up a statue of Jawaharlal Nehru in the square. Giggling uncontrollably, they posed for photographs with garlands around their necks. The fire brigade lay in wait. As one of them opened a "kerosene" bottle, PCC general secretary Manak Agarwal ordered the fire fighters to let loose the water jets. The "kerosene" remained in the bottle, the maachis stayed unlit, the farce was recorded for posterity.

And now there's the conspiracy to eliminate the Shroud: Chief foot fetishists Arjun Singh and Pranab Mukherjee met the PM on Saturday to demand extra security for Sonia since the "same fascist clique" which had assassinated Mahatma Gandhi "is now trying to target Mrs Gandhi" through another "diabolical plan." Singh informed the media that Atalji had confirmed "certain plots" and Sonia's life being "endangered." The matter, they said, "cannot be taken lightly" in view of confirmation by the PM himself...

Like the Prez's inviting Sonia to head the government, another blatant lie... It's since been clarified that Atalji had simply assured them that security for all prominent politicians will be stepped up for the coming election -- and that the Congressmen had never mentioned any "fascist clique" to the PM. Mummy, mummy, I wanna be assassinated, toooo...

ARE WE CERTIFIED MORONS?! Nope, the going will be doubly tough for the Congress, no matter what the fully-paid-up fence-sitters say. Know what? Even if things do go awry, I'll at least have some stimulating company in Tihar: Monu Nalapat, Raj, Saisuresh, Kanchan, Lavakare, Virendra Kapoor, Shenoy, Nandy... In fact, the sainted editor will be left tending just Dilip D'Souza and Vir Sanghvi. Hmm... no way can all of us be identified as khaki-chaddis. Then, is Rediff's anti-Sonia commentating percentage a portent of results to come...?

Varsha Bhosle