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Dump the cliches, Bombay Boys!

The author and academic, Mukul Kesavan, calls it the closest we can get to see Paradise: skies bluer than ours, pastures greener than ours, creams classier than ours.... It's the same players you will watch playing the same game on the same television, but cricket in Australia is a different scene when it reaches you through the cameras of Kerry Packer.

Twenty inches of Paradise, as provided by Channel Nine.

Everything seems different, sounds different: the willow slapping the leather, the crowd clapping a shot, the buzz as a bowler breathes fire, the silence between balls. Everything even looks different; the rare sight, for example, of seeing all six balls of an over being bowled, batted and fielded without some advertisement lopping off the first and last.

And the commentary. Especially the commentary.

As three of the finest captains of the post-war period -- Richie Benaud, Ian Chappell and Mark Taylor -- wield the mike, a feast is in store. But surely there should be thousands of Indians hoping and praying that Indian commentators, usually included for reasons of regional representation than any great oratorial skills, do not disturb the idyll of paradise.

So, on the eve of Barood, here are 40 cliches yours truly hopes (and prays) he will not hear from the mouths of Sunil Gavaskar, Ravi Shastri, Sanjay Manjrekar, Harsha Bhogle, or any Indian who did some extraordinary deed in his previous innings in The Great Stadium that it is his suprabhatam that we have to listen to at seven in the morning from Friday, December 10, on ESPN.

1. "Good toss to lose": Usually used when the Indian captain gets it wrong and the "draw-before-defeat" Bombay Boys in the commentary box have to find something, anything, to tell us what a genius Sachin Tendulkar is. Of no use on this tour, because as Steve Waugh showed against Pakistan, the toss doesn't count.

2. "Two-paced wicket": Shastri's customary way of saying on the one hand and on the other. Groundsman all over the world will tell you that nobody has yet been born (and more than a fair few have died) who can accurately predict which way a wicket will behave. But the television channels persist anyway because it's good entertainment, and you'll not remember any of it anyway. Ravi-bhai, though, is still in Zimbabwe.

3. "Down under": One of many ways in which the commentators will refer to Australia. Land of Oz, kangaroo-country are others. Smart alecks like Manjrekar and Bhogle may even pun on it, and say "upside down under" when the middle order collapses, or "on top down under" when the bowlers perform a miracle. But the way things are going, and the way Jaywant Lele denies he thinks they will go, watch out only for the former.

4. "They bowled better, they batted better, they fielded better": No comment.

5. "Slow and low": The pitch report speciality. Usually used together in the same breath on sub-continental pitches. But on "pacy, bouncy" (another cliche) Australian wickets, there might be no use for it in front of the wickets. Unless Venkatesh Prasad and Debashis Mohanty are so dogtired that Nayan Mongia/ Rahul Dravid might have to collect their deliveries on the third bounce.

6. "The first session of play will be very important": A throwback to the Gavaskar era. Sunny-bhai believed that if he gave the first hour of play to the bowlers, he could take the other five. But given the fragility of our openers, the regularity with which our batting collapses, and the Aussie ability to keep going at the opposition all day long, will be of little use "down under in kangaroo-country".

7. "Tendulkar v Warne": The all-time hit number of the Bombay Boys, a. because of what Sachin did to Shane on his debut tour as an 18-year-old, and b. because of what he did in the home series last year as a 26-year-old. But the two people who 'really' helped him do it, Shastri and Navjot Sidhu have been conveniently forgotten. So, if the commentators have to tell us, please to remind.

8. "Even the mighty Don said Sachin...": Everybody knows, thanks to the ceaseless marketing genius of Mark Mascarenhas, what the most brilliant marketing mind to have played cricket (Sir Don skipped a series to meet his business commitments) had to say about the most sought-after marketing mascot of our times. Namely that their batting styles were alike. We know it, everybody knows it, keep it that way without sounding like His spokesman.

9. "India will want a wicket now": Ravi-bhai, when won't India want a wicket?

10. "Little champion/ master-blaster": Another hit-number of the Bombay Boys, sung especially well by Gavaskar, but regrettably heard only in the subcontinent in recent times. Sounds odd simply because it completely ignores the role played by such overseas titans as Rahul Dravid, and hey, doesn't it underplay the role played by the rest of the team in what is really a team game?

11. "And to think he's only 26": But didn't he make his debut when he was 17? Which means hasn't he played the game for already a decade now? Do they want him to play for another 10 years till he is 36 like the Mohammed Azharuddins? Nobody's immortal, you know. And Sachin is only human like the rest of us.

12. "The Indians are missing Azharuddin's experience here": Almost certain to be uttered when the batting collapses, and most mindlessly, because although he played 98 Tests, Azzu's record "Down Under in the Land of Oz" is worse than his record elsewhere which is worse than his record at home. Get real, "mate".

13. "Such a sweet timer of the ball": Usually a backhanded compliment to Saurav Ganguly, and sometimes Dravid, and usually after Sachin has failed to click. Don't forget that till the "Prince of Calcutta" (another cliche) became the toast of the Bombay Boys, they were the ones reminding journos of the "Maharaj" slight last time the Indians toured Down Under (Rajbhai, as in the Raj Singh of Dungarpur, called the 12th man "Raju", and Ganguly flared because everybody at home called him 'Maharaj' not Raju).

14. "Tigers at home, lambs abroad": Won't be used till the third Test begins in Sydney and won't be used till the first two Tests have gone awfully wrong. If it's 1-0 of course, the Bombay Boys will be optimistically talking about the "pluses" to emerge from the tour. But if it's 2-0, the least they can do is acknowledge the genius behind the phrase: Arvind Lavakare.

15. Manovaignyanik dabao: Unlikely to be heard if you receive pristine pure pictures from Channel Nine, but if your cable operator decides to assuage the feelings of the Hindi-speaking brethren and cistern in your locality, feel free to sue ESPN if Maninder Singh and Saba Karim put you under "tremendous psychological pressure."

16. "Yash": Ditto. An avuncular reference to Yashpal Sharma from the Singh-Karim duo, usually while seeking some gyaan from the unsung hero of the 1983 World Cup.

17. "Fishing outside the offstump": Also alternated with "Caught in two minds". Heaven knows that we aren't good players of fast bowling. But, arre baba, when someone hurls the red cherry at 140 kmph, anybody who can do some fishing or be caught in two minds needs to be commended not condemned. And anybody who can spot either, vice-versa.

18. "What we in Bombay call a khadey-khadey shot": A Gavaskar speciality for someone who displays no footwork. Especially likely to be used in the case of Sadgoppan Ramesh, who couldn't play for Bombay in the Ranji cricket for the sole and simple reason that he was born many thousand miles away on the opposite coast in Tamil Nadu. But the guy scores, so why crib?

19. "Poor chasers": The whole world knows it. But then why don't we let the whole world also know that we chased 400-plus in a Test match against the West Indies in helmet-less days and won, and chased another 400-plus against England and almost won? Emphasise the positives, darlings; you'll be surprised, when it seeps down.

20. "It's a tough ask": What happens when Shastri does an "Annu Kapoor" on the Aussies?

21. "This is the real thing": Also alternated with the "ultimate test of a cricketer". Intended to make Test match fans who wake up at 5.30 am feel nice. But a lousy sop because if there's somebody whom the Bombay Boys ought to be telling this to, it's those damn Cricket Board officials, whose smug mugs they happily show at cricket grounds, who assure the captain that they will play no more than 27 one-dayers a year, and end up playing 50.

22. "And when he hits, they stay hit": What happens when Shastri does an "Annu Kapoor" on Tony Greig. Will be especially used by the latter, when Michael Slater and Adam Gilchrist give our guys those ones they gave Akram, Akhtar, Younis and Mehmood.

23. "Boys": An Arun Lal favourite. "The boys were somewhat not up to the mark". At 33, Venkatesh Prasad is bhai, not boy. Laxmi Ratan Shukla is boy, but he is not in the side.

24. "But the ball will win": Again Shastri, when a fielder, usually an Indian, escorts the ball to the boundary.

25. "Srinath will have to pitch it up and let the ball do the rest": In another two years, Sunny-bhai's sincere exhortation to Javagal Srinath will celebrate its 10th anniversary. Advice to Sunny-bhai: If the fellow doesn't listen, forget him, probably he's figured out something, in spite or because of his engineering degree.

26. "But then Kumble has never been a great turner of the ball": The Bombay Boys' bitch report. Also alternated with "they're playing him like a medium-pacer", "doesn't have a great record abroad" and "hates bowling to left-handers." Usually intended at conveying the Bombay Boys disgust of the engineering graduate. But if somebody's taken 260 wickets in some 50-plus Tests and taken 10 wickets in just one innings, he must have done something right, hasn't he?

27. "A great fighter, is Ajit Agarkar": A Manjrekar speciality, said with a great seriousness, after the lad has bowled one -- ONE! -- good ball in a new spell. Usually also used with other Mumbai-kars like Vinod Kambli. As Shivlal Yadav said accurately, "These Bombay guys think only they can play cricket."

28. "Scores heavily in domestic cricket": Certain to be uttered by Manjrekar if Vijay Bharadwaj is by a long shot chosen to play ahead of Hrishikesh Kanitkar. But surely scoring heavily in domestic cricket is a better reason to pick a player than not scoring heavily in domestic cricket as Kambli was recently, or not taking bags of wickets as Agarkar has been this time.

29. "That ball was travelling": Guilty party: Shastri. When the ball catches an Indian fielder with two left feet and races away to the boundary by which time, obviously, the "ball will win".

30. "Great players of spin bowling": Sure to be used when Shane Warne and Colin Miller come on. Or Stuart MacGill in the ensuing Tests. And especially after a couple of fours have been struck by a lower-order batsman.

31. "No bunny with the bat": Usually when Agarkar walks in. But also if Kumble scores 15 and Srinath 10 in every fifth innings.

32. "He's dealing in boundaries now": When one four produces two more in the same over. Or in the over after. Especially off an Indian bowler.

33. "Milking the bowling"/ "Creamed it away"/ "Caressed the ball through the covers": Many ways of describing various stages of Sachin's batting.

34. "Playing with his legs away from the body": The line that got Ravi Shastri into the Guinness Book of Gaffes.

35. "Catches win matches": Hoo, boy!

36. "Everybody has an off-day": When Sachin/ Agarkar/ Kanitkar fail.

37. "Team of the 2000s": That's what they said about Azhar's team Down Under to the Land of Oz, but weren't we hammered 4-0 in kangaroo-country?

38. "It doesn't matter how they come as long as they come": Reserved for the one-day series.

39. "Cricket is a game of glorious uncertainties": Alternated with "Cricket's a funny game" or "anything can happen in this game". Usually when the opposition requires 86 runs of 12 balls with one wicket in hand.

40. "Gee": Hello, Harsha.

Krishna Prasad