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Trivial Questions

We had decided to be very cunning and simply give you a link to our Curtain Call of October 1997, on Kalyan Singh and the UP Vidhan Sabha vote of confidence. Its basics so apply today that we don't see the point in repeating our grouse. Unfortunately, come month-end, and the sainted editor would also have sent us just a link to the paycheck. If that weren't enough, our Saisuresh Sivaswamy has laid it all out so neatly, that if we try to be sober, we'd be accused of plagiarism. Naturally, Sai's piece suffers in that it contains no "dorks" or "balls!". But never mind, we shall turn on our considerable charms and make a pukka fundie out of him yet.

At the Karimnagar rally on Saturday, the Shroud of Turin declared that the setting up of a JPC to probe Vishnu Bhagwat's charges was necessary to ensure the morale of defence forces, and that those opposing a JPC today were the very same who had demanded a JPC probe into Bofors merely on the ground of a "baseless allegation by a foreign radio station". Our reaction: "foreign"...? Coming from her?? Cross our royal heart, we didn't feel great shakes for having anticipated the to Bhagwat vs Bofors gobbledygook. Congresswallahs are nothing if not obvious.

These are trying times for us (Tihar)... The Shroud has virtually launched her election campaign in Andhra Pradesh, even saying that Chandrababu Naidu is caught in a "hi-tech mirage" (our cue for software engineers to revolt). The Great Wall of Chennai won't rule out the possibility of her being PM (oh help). M F Husain's Gaja Gamini is ready for release (oh no). Bhagwat continues to grace the front pages (delicate barf). And, M J Akbar continues to carry fresh, full-page allegations by Mohan Guruswamy (off with his head).

We could predict that the BJP will continue, the DMK will lend votes... but what will actually happen is anybody's guess. Hark back to January -- the missing onions, the anti-Christianism and whatever junk that was laid at the BJP's doorstep. Did you imagine that just months later, a majority of 64 % Indians would want Atalji to continue as PM? An opinion poll by Research Pacific India states that only 38.2 % favoured Sonia taking over as PM; 53 % found JJ holding the government to ransom; 55 % felt that the current scenario didn't warrant fresh elections; and, an overwhelming 69 % opined that the Shroud and the Great Wall should not join hands to form a government.

Much has happened betwixt, and we don't know what to focus on. Take the Georgekaka interviews -- one on Doordarshan, the other on Star Plus. The Prasar Bharati Corporation is furious at Pramod Mahajan's "blatant misuse" of the media since it affected the telecast of the Indo-Pak cricket match and related revenues. DD officials call the interview a "scoop"; critics call it a "stage-managed affair" (meaning, George was entirely convincing). To top it, the I&B Ministry put out massive ads in papers asking the janata to tune in. So, the issue is all set to explode in Parliament.

We're wondering, if the Prasar Bharati is all that under Pramod's virile thumb, why would he allow Maneka Gandhi's "controversial" references to Sonia and Rajiv to be censored from her DD interview? Why is the corporation upset about the government's using DD to explain its actions to the people? We'd like to know. What do these two instances say? Which party seems likely to be pulling the strings at the PBC?

As for Janata ki Adalat, run by the awesome Rajat Sharma for Star Plus, we watched it. Meaning, we couldn't hear it. A lot of viewers outside our cable-syndicate couldn't, either. Incidentally, the Great Wall's interview by Simi on the same channel was excellent, sound-wise. All in all, we're happy that it's Pramod who's on top of the Hindu nationalist party's propaganda machinery: It's not a job for duffers. And, going by its track-record in PR, the Beej seems to count duffer-ness as a requirement for candidacy.

Happiness is... Agni II. Big Brother, Poodle Blair and Pakistan have slammed the test. So what else did you expect? Actually, since after Atalji, the nuclear issue bores us. There is, what we Bambaiyas call, a "damn shaanya" quietly and effectively looking after it -- and that's all we need.

Which isn't how the Great Wall of Chennai saw it. On Sunday -- after the missile had been test-fired from Wheeler Island -- JJ let it rip: "Shadowy interests, including a family of arms dealers based in London, should not be allowed to sacrifice national interests for the sake of their foreign patrons... In the supreme national interest, we demand an explanation from the Vajpayee government why the test launch of Agni II was cancelled." Two hours later, the statement read, "We give credit, not to the government that delayed the launch to the last minute and finally went ahead after pressure [from JJ] but to the brilliant scientists..." Hahahahahaha....

We have to warn you of a grave security risk facing India if JJ were to be PM and went on foreign jaunts, such accommodations and security being arranged in advance. On her last trip to Delhi, the Great Wall checked into the Ashoka Hotel -- and immediately checked out. It went like this: Heading for the fifth floor, JJ and her equally large entourage entered the lift. But, the overhead sign flashed "Overload" and the lift refused to budge. Thambidurai stepped out -- the sign continued to flash. Muthiah stepped out -- the lift remained stationary. Sashikala got off -- nothing. Only after her security personnel got out as well, did the lift groan to life. The livid JJ sailed like the Titanic to another hotel... It's true. You must believe us. JJ is no joke.

Not that the Press doesn't take her seriously. Last week, Mid-Day screamed, "International award for Jayalalitha!" Something called International American Friendship Society elected JJ to receive this year's World Statesman Award, annually given to a leader for "dedication and commitment to upholding democratic values in developing countries." So, in honour of this honour, we, too, will confer a title on her. Ta-raa.... The Round Mound of Rebound.

We knew that the reinstatement of Bhagwat was hogwash. And we're convinced that the real reason for the Round Mound to go on the Rebound was the BJP's reluctance to sack Karunanidhi and cede control of the corruption cases to JJ. But then we were told that when she visited Delhi in March, JJ had presented a list of demands to Atalji. The items included at least three Cabinet berths, one minister of state with independent charge, three ministers of state, and a PM-hand-picked "important portfolio" for Subramanian Swamy.

Along with several *crucial* portfolios, JJ wanted the transfer of two secretaries, two joint secretaries, the registrar of companies, the appointment of non-official directors in some corporations and of chairmen to certain port trusts. Also, the list included demands for the withdrawal of suspension orders against three officers charged with corruption, including Hari Bhaskar who was chief secretary to TN CM JJ (how we love to perplex). However, within hours of submitting her list, and without waiting for Atalji's response, the Round Mound went on the Rebound. (The reasons for which will become clear, we promise.)

In the meantime, Jyoti Basu stressed that the pinkos would extend issue-based support from outside to the much-hated Congress party. And, the turbaned party-within-a-party, HSS, licked his chops. (Ditto.)

In the meantime, the Round Mound, with 12 suitcases and secretary Subramanian Swamy in tow, performed a 7-hour puja of Kali the Avenger and Destroyer in the sanctum sanctorum of her Maurya Sheraton suite... We believe this hotel's lifts can transport several oxen; but its chef broke down because all JJ wanted was to "find out whether we had a Chinese restaurant". (Hmmm....)

In the meantime, Richard Gere was forced to deny that he'd ever funded Georgekaka to campaign against China. On Swamy's claim that money had been paid, he said, "To be absolutely clear, I have never heard of this man Swamy, I have never met him, nor have I ever spoken to him. Swamy's assertion that I 'look after the finances of the Dalai Lama' is ludicrous and childish." (The actor's unexpected cameo will also become clear.)

Today's The Pioneer says: "It is the Chinese who are keen on creating situations, both internally and externally, to destabilise the Indian government for, what they perceive, a 'better' Sino-Indian relationship... Intelligence dossiers prepared in the past five months reveal that top Beijing strategists have been consistently wary of the BJP government's 'hardline nationalistic attitude' towards matters of national security... In a strategic paper prepared for the PLA, Chinese military analyst Zheng Qian listed a three-point plan of action: (a) Target the BJP but not the Indian public, (b) be prepared to fight under nuclear conditions, and (c) maintain strong defensive position against India by strengthening the second line of defence. Intelligence sources said they have credible inputs about Chinese intention to influence the course of political developments in India."

Now let's play Trivial Questions.

Q: Which country has been accused of spying on and stealing nuclear technology from US labs?
A: China.

Q: Which country's conduit, Johnny Chung, made donations to Clinton's Democrats, and said that officials in the party "knowingly solicited and accepted improper donations from him"?
A: China.

Q: Which country provided funds for the Democratic party's campaign contributions?
A: China.

Q: Which administration is charged with a) being soft on Chinese HR violations, b) allowing aerospace companies to transfer missile technology to Beijing, c) being lax in investigating the espionage matter?
A: The Clinton government.

Q: Are there things like espionage, intrigue and indirect control?
A: Um... er...

Q: Where was a certain Indian Congress delegation just before JJ's toppling scheme was launched?
A: China.

Q: Who led the delegation?
A: K Natwar Singh, Sonia's close advisor.

Q: Who else was out of the country just a week before JJ launched her attack?

A: Subramanian Swamy.

Q: Where had he gone?

A: China.

Q: What is the alleged link between Richard Gere and George?

A: A campaign against China.

Q: Who made the allegation?

A: Subramanian Swamy

Q: Why is the Left willing to support the Congress?

A: After the recent assembly election, China called the Congress wins a "stunning victory" and attributed the success to "the new leadership" of the Shroud.

Q: What's Niloufer's role in all this?
A: She was the one who charged that the "campaign" against Bhagwat had been personally orchestrated by George. Niloufer advocates for the CPI.

Q: Why is George the centre of everybody's attacks?

A: In April 1998, K Natwar Singh (the same who tried to infect Strobe Talbot against the GoI), said, "George Fernandes is carrying his China shop with him," and that the BJP government could not afford to tinker with India's long-standing relations with China "although they have a George Fernandes and one never can say what he will do." China had raised strong objections to George's charges -- verifiable ones about China's intrusion into Arunachal Pradesh and it's being behind Pakistan's Ghauri missile. China responded with, "Your government is allowing the Dalai Lama to carry on political activities on Indian soil not only in words but in deed."

Q: Why didn't JJ at least wait for Atalji's response to her wish-list?
A: The course of political developments had already been set -- set to de-link progress from the "nationalistic approach of the BJP-led coalition". No matter what Atalji may or may not have accepted, the entire nationalist party had to go...

Varsha Bhosle