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Varsha Bhosle

Thirteen at the table

Superstitious practices and beliefs are most common in situations involving a high degree of risk, chance and uncertainty, and during times of personal or social stress or crisis, when events seem to be beyond human control. The question of what is or isn't superstitious, however, is relative. One person's beliefs can be another's superstitions; and what's propitious for one, can be disastrous for another: I'm thinking of Friday the 13th, and the events which occurred on that day that proved to be fortunate for the BJP.

First, on that fateful Friday, Chandrababu Naidu, in his telephone conversation with Prime Minister I K Gujral and other UF leaders, confirmed that the TDP will stay neutral in the House. Neither Gujral, nor Deve Gowda, nor Harkishan Singh Surjeet, nor A B Bardhan could convince him to travel to Delhi to discuss the strategy of forming a non-BJP coalition government. Mr Naidu, citing the commencement of the assembly's budget session on the 16th, refused point blank. Lucky for the BJP.

Then, Ms Jayalalitha, who's really been giving the BJP a run for its seats, spoke to Mr L K Advani on the 13th night and promised to send her letter of support. Madam also withdrew all the conditions on reserving ministerial portfolios for her partymen like Ramamurthy and Janata Party president Subramanian Swamy. The letter arrived the next afternoon, and it brought to an end the war of nerves between the BJP and the AIADMK, which brings with it about 26 seats along with its allies. Lucky for the BJP.

Then came the baptism of Sonia Gandhi as the 61st president of the 113-year-old Indian National Congress (so many 13s, no?). Till the end, Sitaram Kesri had clung to the belief that Sonia herself was not a party to his clearly impending ouster. Yet, the Indian Express said that, on the night of the 13th itself, she had agreed to lead the party if there was a consensus on the issue in the CWC. Ahmed Patel and A K Antony convinced her that she should not postpone the decision any longer. (I wonder how hard they must have tried.)

That same day, at Pranab Mukherjee's house, a caucus of 13 of the 17 CWC members had informally decided to oust Kesri if he declined to make a graceful exit... When given the ultimatum the next morning, the peeved Kesri left the room. Immediately, the 13 sat at the table under the stewardship of party vice-president Jitendra 'Judas' Prasada and passed a resolution appointing Sonia as their president.

In the afternoon, within an hour of his leaving the Congress headquarters at 24 Akbar Road for lunch, Kesri's name plate and personal belongings were removed from his office and, along with a couple of his staff members, dispatched to his residence. The coup marked the end of his 17-month tenure as Congress president. The Fates play cruel games: this was how P V Narasimha Rao had bid adieu to the same post...

However, Kesri's fate was sealed even before the formal resolution was passed, when the 13 members -- Ahmed Patel, Jitendra Prasada, Pranab Mukherjee, R K Dhawan, Arjun Singh, Ghulam Nabi Azad, Sharad Pawar, Vijaya Bhaskara Reddy, AK Antony, Manmohan Singh, Meira Kumar, Oscar Fernandes and Madhavsinh Solanki -- metaphorically signed his political death warrant. Only Tariq Anwar remained loyal to Kesri.

With Kesri's removal, the Congress party has moved into a new era headed by the fifth member of the Nehru family as Congress president. Sonia Gandhi follows Motilal Nehru, his son Jawaharlal Nehru, grand-daughter Indira Gandhi and great grandson Rajiv Gandhi, as head of the nation's oldest party. She is the fourth foreign-born president of the party after Allan Octavian Hume, Nellie Sengupta and Annie Besant. And it was she who, as the Congress chief, told the President that the Congress did not have the numbers to make a stake for the government. I wonder, would the kabar mein do payr latkaaye hue Kesri have done that...? Lucky for the BJP...

Look, I've been a good girl so far, but it's beginning to itch on me. I have to be my normal, scandalous, disgraceful, trashy self. Besides, don't you think that the above account is infinitely boring? So here goes: You know what I'm really thinking? I'm thinking: Darn Hindu fundies! Can't get anything straight. Shot the wrong darn guy in the wrong darn year! Should have shot Nehru ten years earlier. Would have saved us a whole lot of trouble: No Jinnah power-struggle, no Pakistan, no Kashmir, no Hindi-Chini- bhai-bhai, no pinko-infested JNU, no Rajiv, and no Shroud of Turin -- whom J B Patnaik described as the "saarthi of the Congress chariot" -- a veritable Krishna to the Arjun-Congress. Gag! Yech! Barf, barf...

Now that she's also the chairperson of the CWC, I'm seriously beginning to wonder, what could happen if The Shroud becomes PM? Well, for starters, we'll begin to call Arun Gawli as Gawlini, and Dawood Ibrahim as Ibrahimocci, and Sharad Pawar as Pawaretti... With the Italian connection soundly consecrated, why would the great Italian tradition of the Cosa Nostra lag behind...?

Do you think I'm getting psychopathic about The Shroud of Turin? You're quite right. The woman makes me see red: Suddenly, all my exclusively-meat-eating sympathies have flown to the rabidly vegetarian, animal-loving environmentalist Maneka Gandhi. For, the younger daughter-in-law of Mrs G said to the ToI something to the effect of, "I, too, lost a husband from the Nehru family, but I'm not running around moaning about it. I, too, could stand there and wave my arms about like car wipers, but I didn't see the point in it." Bravo! A woman after me own heart.

BTW, did any of you see The Shroud and Daughter's pictures or news clips showing them waving to the crowds at Sriperimbudur? *Huge* sweat stains around their armpits. I so desperately wanted to tell them: Please don't wave your arms about like windmills -- it's aesthetically a little difficult to bear because it's hard to miss the stains. And, er... have you ever heard of a wonderful new invention called "anti-perspirant"? I'd be happy to get you a supply.

Rajeev Darling informs me that, in some Malayalam magazine, it has been noted that The Shroud is the "Queen of One-Quarter of a Seat". You see, before, the Congress had 140 seats. Now, they have 141. Net, the Sonia effect equals 1 seat. But the credit for that has to be shared by Rahul John Paul and Priyanka and Robert Vadra. Ergo, The Shroud can claim credit for only one-fourth of that seat. Good one, eh? I love Mallus. Now if only the intelligent, militant ones all come back from abroad and beat some sense into the pinko and Congress types left back in Kerala...

As things stand, Atal Bihari Vajpayee (who had earlier headed a 13-day government, brought down by a 13-party coalition United Front) is scheduled to be sworn in on the 19th. And it's all due to the nullification of the effects of a lone neem tree in the compound of the main entrance to the BJP's headquarters. Apparently, Dr Murli Manohar Joshi consulted at least 18 scholars of Vaastushastra from all over India, and after hectic debates and perusals of various panchaangs, it was decided that the *tree* was the obstacle to attaining power. (Hmmm... Nehru's Hindu-Chini- bhai-bhai Congressmen could consult a feng-shui expert for their deteriorating status.)

BJP sources revealed, "Since it was not possible to cut the decade-old tree within an hour, we decided to close the main gate and requested visitors to use other one. We had no time to get permission from the Union ministry of environment and the directorate of estate to cut down the tree." I'm seriously beginning to worry: Next, will almanacs and swamis be consulted on important policy decisions by those holding the defence and finance portfolios?? He-l-l-l-p!!

Too, Atalji is scheduled to be sworn in at exactly 10.09 am, in tune with the scholars' advice. To be on time, the party has synchronised four time pieces, belonging to Vajpayee, L K Advani, the BJP central office and at the Rashtrapati Bhavan, for the shubh ghadi (favourable time) that will help in getting power for the party. I am *not* making this up -- that is a straightforward quote from the Indian Express. Boy, does the BJP bank on auspiciousness or what?

Thing is, everybody knows that Vajpayeeji is going to have a helluva tough time, not only because of the differences he faces within the alliance, but also because of the economic crisis that already exists and the hand-me-down blame which he'll have to shoulder. Under the circumstances, how stable will his government be, is anybody's guess.

That smart cookie, The Shroud, chose to sit in the Opposition with a definite purpose in mind: She isn't worried about who forms the government today -- she is staking all for the next elections. When she assumes leadership in the Opposition, it gives her a chance to take over the anti-BJP spot in the polity -- she is out to demolish the Ununited Front first. The Shroud is also depending on, what V N Gadgil has repeated ad nauseum, the weight of the internal contradictions between the BJP and its many allies to crash down on the government. I don't care how many astrologers and seers Dr Joshi consults, but the BJP better not go the UF way.

The good thing is, at least now, the country will finally see Sonia answering questions -- like the Bofors ones - posed by the press. As the party president and CWC chairperson, she cannot hide behind her persecuted-widow pallu anymore. Lucky for the BJP...? Let's hope so.

Varsha Bhosle