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Soniamev Jayate

I writhe as I admit: the Shroud of Turin did a magnificent job at the hustings. The Beej is on the defensive; I don't buy that crap about the Congress winning by negative votes. Just as I never believed that the BJP/SS combine took Maharashtra with an anti- establishment ticket. Oh fiddlesticks, parties don't triumph just because the adversary flunks! It's hope and optimism that carries the polling day.

Despite the efforts of Mani Shankar Aiyar, who seems to be severely afflicted by foot-in-the-mouth disease (on the Emergency: "Mrs Indira Gandhi had taken a constitutionally valid decision"), it was the people's faith in Pujyaniya Madam Soniaji that saw the Congress through. Nah, I haven't changed my spots. Just that... well... the way things are going, I better heed dear Rajeev and become, er... discreet. After all, we're dealing with someone who's learnt her politics by watching Mrs G. And we all know what happened to dissenters in that iron raj...

But I'm wondering, how come nobody's piped up with the old rigged-ballots ploy...? That's about all we heard from the Great and the Good during the assembly election in Maharashtra! Is it because the Parivar is too dense or too decent (same thing, really) to play such games? Or are we to believe that "secular" parties never muck around in the dirt? Never mind. I should get used to the twisted ways of the Unimpeachable.

In any case, considering the record of the Congress ("Under no circumstances shall we let down our colleague and leader, Mr Deve Gowda"), a change at the Centre is on the cards. I suppose, the khadi-ed ones must only be waiting for Inspiration to be released from Bihar's central jail to set the ball rolling. In the meantime, the other stool-pigeon, the dhoti-ed Mullah, has already earned his brownie points with a dazzling performance in the well of the House. At last count, Mulayam was seen urging Sharad Pawar to join in the people-sponsored fun and games, even as the Great Maratha Milquetoast sat glued to his bench, seeking to distance himself from the indignity of the moment. After all that canvassing nautanki ("Main shaasan nahi karna chahati. Desh ki seva karna chahati hoon"), he had little choice.

But let's look at the brighter side of the possibly forthcoming government. I sincerely feel that, under the Shroud, India will truly arrive. After decades of imitations, we'll finally get a taste of the Real McCoy. As for instance, the Cosa Nostra. I mean, who'd want swadeshi crooks in Rome-rajya? If the CBI has made it hard for Senor Ottavio Quattrocchi to return, there are so many others eligible for contracts in power and fertiliser sectors, besides defence deals. Sonia maiyya, aage aao, doobti naiyya paar lagaao!

Another bright ray: All our pampered politicians will finally be put in their proper place. Remember the urban development ministry's plan to house four ministers near 10 Janpath in March? The proposal was scuttled after the Shroud rustled her disapproval. Apparently, construction work would prove a threat since it would bring a large number of "unverified labour" in the high-security zone; and, if the bungalows came up, it would be goodbye, secure buffer zone. She's really such a simple woman; all she wants to do is to serve the nation.

Bright ray III: Instead of the solitary, omnipresent and openly- Hindu Brajesh Mishra, we'll experience the diverse and secular character of the Shroud's inner circle (which coterie left former Union minister and back-room strategist M L Fotedar so miffed that he decided to "retire" to a low profile). The durbar consists of Madam's private secretary Vincent George, AICC general secretary Oscar Fernandes, former Union minister Margaret Alva, and chief whip P J Kurien. Unh? All Christians? OK, scratch that one.

Next, India would be in a supreme moral position to teach the ignorant Europeans and shallow Americans a thing or two about national identity and loyalty. Botti Ettore, a reporter from the leading Italian daily Corriere Dellasera, had told Shobha Warrier, "India is such a far country to Italians. And suddenly they find that an Italian has a chance to lead it... They see her as an Italian only, definitely not as an Indian. How can she be an Indian just because she is married to a rich Indian prince?" The gall of it! How in the Pope's name do they have the guts to call our Soniaji Gandhiji an Italian?! So what if she held on to her native citizenship for 17 years, till just before her husband became prime minister?

In socialistic India (or at least for the Nehrus), there is no need to be a citizen to secure the directorship of Maruti Udyog and take salary and bonuses from the company. Soniaji is a very hard-working lady: While most Indian women were goofing off in the fields, she went door-to-door as an insurance agent, for a few paltry millions as commission from Maruti. If *we* didn't doubt her eligibility and dispatch her to the bada ghar for FERA violations, how can Italians call her Italian? I tell you, they have no perspective of the Indian ethos.

India is a mystical land, levitating miles above such pettifogging. The fate of the country is safe in the hands of a wise and spiritual electorate. Which believes -- and these are quotes: "Oh, she is so beautiful! I think I'll vote for her." And, "Only this family can rule us, nobody else. They are born to rule us." And, "She will be our prime minister till our sister Priyanka is ready to take over." And, "This is our royal family. Only they can rule our country in prosperity." And, "She is our queen and we will worship her." Of course we earned our Madamji! You don't believe me? Read next week's hate-mail from the educated abroad.

It so happened that the vilest pre-election anti-Sonia blow came, not from the RSS, but S S Ahluwalia, a senior Congress leader of Bihar and confidante of the late and lamented Rajiv. Mr Ahluwalia had been sending the Shroud 5-page-long letters asking for an apology to Sikhs for Operation Bluestar and the 1984 massacre; criticising the Congress's opposition to imposing President's rule in the state; and its intention of aligning with the CPI-M, RJD and the Samajwadi Party. All of which mail went unanswered (Madamji is a very busy person).

Finally, at a personal cost of Rs 400, Mr Ahluwalia had his letter translated into Italian before sending it to the Shroud -- with copies to the Press. On being queried, he explained that since Sonia Gandhi was a foreigner who had little or no knowledge of English and Hindi, she hadn't understood his missives and thus hadn't responded. Therefore, all further correspondence would be conducted in her native language. Hehehehe... trust a Sardar to know how to slowly turn the knife -- and do it with humour. He had me in splits for a week; it's not for nothing that Sikhs happen to be my favourite folk.

Of course, such events (or for that matter, even portentous ones) have no effect on our wise and spiritual electorate. It sees the Shroud as a simple, lonely, sacrificing figure who has no interest in the comforts, the pomp and the power that go with the highest office. Apparently, Madam is sacrificing her privacy, risking her very life for the good of her nation (ie, India). The people actually believe that Sonia would know what the behenji goes through in front of the kerosene stove. But above all, there's that darned hope: "Once Sonia becomes our prime minister, corruption will disappear, the price of rice will come down and the life of the poor will better."

As for the "Opposition," in my private survey (which went beyond my elitist circle), almost everybody echoed this line: "If we are to be saddled with a Congress clone, why not have the original itself?" For years I felt that there was, well... hope. That all was not yet lost, that if one group only got a chance, it would haul the country back on the rails; terrorism would abate; the Kashmir problem would be on its way out; law and order would rule; the judicial process would quicken; and, OH YES, corruption would dwindle...

None of which happened. Instead, the BJP went on a hey-we're- cool-just-like-the-other-guys spree -- when it wasn't bickering over trivialities. They just can't seem to grasp that the need of the hour is to channel resources towards not WHAT children will learn, but HOW MANY of them will learn anything at all! And the less said about the "help" from the Mensa masterminds of the VHP, currently frolicking in a shrine at Chikmagalur, the better.

In the end, two outcomes gladdened me: the by-election rejection of the Real Congress woman by her "peepuls," and the new-found humility of the fat lady from the South. These chicks had totally freaked me out. All said, whether Sonia or Mamata or Jaya or Varsha, women seem to be the #1 bane for the Sangh Parivar.

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