While the whole nation gears up for India's match against Kenya at the World Cup in South Africa, I trudge to the nearest cinema hall to endure this Friday's fare, Indian Babu.

Watching a movie alone isn't as bad as watching a bad movie alone. The ticket window appears deserted for a Friday. "Above 18?" the seller inquires. I nod in the affirmative. He hands over the tickets along with a freebie. It's a set of Indian Babu playing cards, part of the film's promotional campaign.

The hall is empty and the usher says I can sit wherever I please.

And so it begins. Indian Babu is a miserable mix of Aditya Chopra's Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Charles Perrault's Cinderella.

Meet Dil of Laxmipur (Gurleen Chopra), a judicious mix of the mistreated Cinderella and the demure Simran. Engaged to Abhay (Rajat Gowda), who bears a striking resemblance to The Rock of Scorpion King, she has a heart attack on D-day. Medical tests reveal a hole in Dil's heart.

Abhay's London-based uncle Karan Thakur volunteers to get her treated. But the doctors there don't find anything wrong with her. Instead of electrocardiograms and echocardiograms, Dil indulges in sightseeing and roadside bhangras at Leicester Square and bumps into Jeet (Jaz Pandher), born and bred in the UK, who wears the aura of a Bhatinda dweller. No offence to the big hearted folk of Bhatinda.

Dil and Jeet are a match made in heaven. Both dress atrociously, speak in funny accents and can't act for nuts. Picture this: a heavily made-up Dil sports spaghetti-strapped cholis and coos, "Navar mind" and "Is that what you coll a potty?" (Translation: Never mind. Is that you call a party?).

I didn't really understand when and how they fell in love. Following a discussion on a Romeo and Juliet painting, the duo are shown holding hands. Anyway, Dil has a second heart attack and undergoes surgery. Her recovery is brisk; she is soon as good as new.

Before Jeet can proclaim his love, Abhay re-enters the frame and takes Dil back to India.

Cut to Laxmipur. Under the strict eye of her stepmother and two ugly stepsisters, Dil switches back to conservative clothing. To cut a long story short, Jeet follows his ladylove. The inevitable climax follows.

Question: Why would anyone want spend so much money on a contrived script with bad actors, bad music (Nadeem-Shravan) and bad direction (Lawrence D'Souza)?