Beware!

I was about to do something crazy right now. If that dog on the pavement hadn't bitten me, who knows what I might have done!

Beginning today, we must rid India of the scourge of the West. I take a sacred vow to protect India from any and all outside influences that can injure our national pride. My top three targets will be drugs, alcohol and the Australian cricket team.

It will not be easy. It will take sacrifices. But you can learn from my example.

I firmly believe that India is a country for the Hindus. Let me take this opportunity to tell you what I do on a daily basis to stay 100% Indian.

I never ingest anything invented in the West. When I brush my teeth, I always take care to spit out the fluoride, a foul and smelly chemical. 

After a tiring day at work, I get depressed. But I don't go to a bar. Because I am rooted in the traditions of Indian culture, I go to see a doctor. He takes one look at me and informs me that I am depressed. He then charges me forty rupees.

I watch at least one Amitabh Bachchan [Images] movie a day. Sholay [Images], Deewar, Trishul and Don [Images] are my all-time favorites. You must have heard of these great movies that left their imprint on our national consciousness in the seventies and eighties. They were written by the great Hindu writers Salim Chattopadhyay and Javed Rangaswamy, and we should take pride in them.

I love Indian food and will continue to ingest it in large quantities. However, I find that I still can't have Indian cheese. But it's not my fault. Has there lived a man who has been able to resist the temptations of a Saint-Felicien with its soft, bloomy rinds? I promise you that I will keep trying to love Indian cheese. But till I get used to the acrid aftertaste, I will continue to smuggle French cheese across our borders.

I listen to popular musicians like R.D. Burman. I like them because there are no Western influences in their music. To give just one example, I really adore that song, Monica... Oh, are the temple bells ringing? Have you heard this song? It's really quite a number. Spoiler alert: yes, they are!

I only travel in ancient Indian forms of transport like chariots and eagles. In this regard, I take inspiration from the Lord Krishna featured in the Mahabharata [Images] who recites the Gita in a warrior-like pose. By the way, that is the only Lord Krishna I know and worship.

Some people think that I will believe anything they tell me. Tell me, is there an inscription on my forehead that says that I am an idiot? (Actually there is, but that's only because my schoolteacher had a violent temper and a branding iron).

Lastly, I will not celebrate Valentine's Day. We have no business observing it. On February 14, I shall go for a walk. Then I might kick my dog. I might even eat some Indian cheese.

But I shall not observe a secular festival. Secularists are evil. They want to encourage only one way of thought. They don't like any deviations from the mainstream. They want everyone to confirm to a uniform code of behavior.

Why should we want to be like them?

But given the old Indian idiom that every rule has an exception, I shall pick one secular day to observe. Just for a lark and completely at random, I am picking Election Day. That is one day I intend to observe very seriously.