An open letter to Mr Denness

Dear Mr. Denness,

You have burst upon the scene like Clint Eastwood did with both guns blazing. In your commendable zeal to clean up cricket of God only knows what, you seem to have overlooked a minor detail of justice being meted out fairly.

You claim what you saw on the field while the Indians were playing amounted to gross violation of the spirit of the game (you didn't see or hear the South Africans, which is understandable, as they always turn invisible when playing with Indians). Words failed you (at the press conference) and I'm afraid your wits were not too far behind. After sentencing half the team you spared the other half with a restraint unbecoming of you. Tch, Mr. Denness, in the interests of justice I feel compelled to point out that you have done your duty only partially. I swear I saw Srinath do a Screeching Pollock and Dravid was not in the lotus position when his teammates charged the hapless umpire. As for abusive language, since the players speak mostly in Hindi, which you don't understand, I presume you find the native tongue abusive in which case Kumble is guilty too.

I trust you will do the job better next time. However, I fear you might have unwittingly started a crusade for infinite justice from Indians worldwide. The hate letters are pouring in and even the BCCI has reacted for once. The signs are not promising. We Indians are great believers in the heavens initiating change by adopting unorthodox means. When all else fails they might even send in a messiah in the garb of a villain! Our mythology is full of it. And you seem to fit the bill, having at least three of the required qualities; you're mean, you're biased and you happen to be in South Africa. Careful, old boy. It was here that the Great Indian Freedom movement took birth when bullies (who are still ruing their act I bet) pushed a certain mild-mannered gentleman off a speeding train.

You don't want to go down as the fool who hammered in one nail too many and forced the ICC to hire referees with a better sense of fair play, do you? Luckily not all of us have lost our heads in the turmoil. You will be glad to note that amongst the venomous letters I have received, a certain Arvind has suggested changes to the ICC rules. I am certain you will approve and I reproduce it verbatim below:

Rule 1234-etc. With effect from Nov 2001, the BW rule comes into effect. The following are the clauses in it:

A) If the skin colour of the player starts with a B/W, he shall not/shall intimidate the umpire into ruling in favour of his team by excessive appealing and cannot/can take the rules of the game into his hands by doing as he pleases and get away with it. Further if he is the captain, he has not/has got special privileges to win appeals by simply continuing to appeal after team-mates stop even if the batsmen is not out. Also he cannot/can get away with any amount of sledging, be it shouting at the batsmen, standing in the batsman's way and even pushing and shoving the opponent. Such aggression will not/will be entertained in a gentleman's game.

B) If the skin colour of the player starts with B, and he is the best player in the team, he can be given out to ridiculous decisions besides being summoned on charges of anything ranging from ball tampering to excessive appealing to being unable to control the behaviour of the team in spite of being the captain. In such instances, he can be fined from 75% to 500% of match fees and can be suspended for anything ranging from one match to life.

C) However if the skin colour of the player starts with a W, and he is the best player in the team he shall never be given out even in the instance of being plumb. On such occasions umpires are advised to exercise restraint in raising their finger unless the batsman himself feels embarrassed and walks away. Besides, he can be involved in anything ranging from match-fixing to scandals and would not be penalised unless he himself comes out and accepts his guilt AND says he will not play the game anymore.

I trust you will use some of your precious time in lobbying for the above and making the world a worse place.

Yours truly,

The ball tampering controversy