Wednesday February 14, 2001

Getting the Rundown

Before arriving in India tonight we were briefed on many aspects of life in this part of the world. Of all the things we heard, an Indian friend of the team talked to us before the AB medal, giving us an insight into what we could expect. Only having been to India for a week, six years ago, I was shocked at what he had to say. I thought it might be of interest to share his experience and wisdom.

"Firstly you should know a few facts:

a) India or Bharat or Hindustan (land of the Hindus) is of course the world's second most populous country after China. The good news is that in about twenty years time it will be THE most populous.

b) Currently over a Billion people live there and it is conservatively estimated that we add ONE Australian population to our population every year.

"It is THE country   with the largest number   of English speakers in the   world."

c) It is THE country with the largest number of English speakers in the world. Remember the Americans don't speak English.

d) It may come as a surprise but India is one of the world's largest growers of food and is in fact a huge net exporter. The problem there is that which confronts a bald man every morning who is contemplating a shave- not production but distribution.

e) India is the world's leading developer and exporter of computer software. E-commerce and IT are no longer buzzwords; they are now old hat. Other leading areas of trade dominance are diamond cutting and polishing, tea, floriculture, clothing and footwear.

f) Over 80% of Indians are Hindus, 14% Muslim, 2%Sikhs, 2%Christians and 2% Crooks.

g) All of them are cricket followers, a lot of them will want to touch you, and many of them will want to feel you. They all want your autographs and if they have a camera, they will want your photo. They will spend hours just gazing at you. There could be stampedes whilst they are just following you. Last year when a few of the guys came over to my place for dinner there were well over 100 people waiting outside just to get a glimpse at their heroes - somehow word had got around? By midnight, the crowd had swelled to even more.

For a lot of these people a meeting with you will be one of the high points of their lives - I guess that must be a pretty sobering or scary prospect - your kindness, patience and tolerance would be appreciated.

If you value your personal space, have a long; contemplative walk one last time at Melbourne airport. For the next 54 days, you will find that personal space is a totally alien concept. You will not have much privacy I can assure you.

The first thing that hits you when you arrive is the humidity followed by the unique sights, smells and sounds. Don't be afraid, just enjoy it all and relax.

They say that there are more millionaires in Bombay than New York. It can't be that difficult as Bombay has some of the world's most expensive real estate. You will often see some of the poorest people in the world living in front of the richest.

A land of amazing contrasts, a lot of my Aussie friends have had trouble coming to terms with the contrasts. I keep assuring them that no matter what their lot in life, you will rarely see an unhappy Indian cursing their own fate. Don't mistake poverty for unhappiness. There is no dole and yet they go about their rather bleak daily lives cheerfully and without complaints.

If you ever wonder why they are so fatalistic, here is my theory:

It is because of our belief in karma and re-incarnation. We, Hindus believe that God rewards us with human existence after about 33,000 previous lives in various shapes or forms. It is the ultimate payback from the Almighty. Only when you accumulate enough brownie points in your previous existence do you get to be born as a human being. Moreover, to be born, and strut around as, an elite sportsman, you guys must have surely done some good in your past lives.

It has been inculcated in us that we must not waste our lives. We must do good karma (deeds) whenever possible and only then will we achieve 'moksha' or 'nirvana' i.e. salvation and inner peace.

Indians have a lot of respect for elders, authority and uniforms. They are extremely and obsessively family oriented. Very, very warm and hospitable. There is no black and white - only shades of grey and brown.

There are two words that you will rarely hear in India - "please" and "thankyou". However, I assure you that it is not a because of rudeness. Indians convey their requests and gratitude by the tone of their voice and use of phrases. Strange but true - so please don't be offended if someone says simply 'can I have your autograph?'

h) Don't be alarmed to see so many same sex Indians holding hands or having arms around each other's necks. It doesn't mean anything at all and it's just a manifestation of the touchy, 'feely' people Indians are. Ironically, you will rarely see men and women showing any affection in public.

i) Most Indians have great difficulty with the Australian accent. Steve Waugh people find virtually incomprehensible. If you would like to make yourself understood, please take it easy. S-L-O-W. Please also try to avoid abbreviations and Australianisms- such as vegies for vegetables.

j) Steve Waugh (after Sachin) is the most admired cricketer in India. In Calcutta 'Tugga' is God. In the rest of India, he is just slightly less divine.

k) Sir Donald Bradman still gets ten times more mail from India than any other country. He is of course bigger than God. I suspect that when the Almighty decides to call him up to the pavilion, one or two Indians will self-immolate and decide to try and gatecrash that meeting themselves. Sad, but true!

l) Please don't argue with any Indian about your test or first class record or statistics or any highlights or lowlights of your cricketing life. They not only know it better than you but will probably carry written proof of it at all times.

m) Of the current lot of Indian players, Sachin is the one who all Indians believe has been kissed by the Gods. It would be very unwise to do a 'touch up' job on him in India…I believe it would be extremely foolish knowing what I do about Sachin, India and Indians.

Amongst the Aussies, the batsman everyone in India wants to watch is of course Mark Waugh. Michael Slater and Ricky Ponting have plenty of fans as well. I am only talking of cricketers who have previously toured India and played in tests. Though I dare say you won't be hearing any Oo…Ah…Glenn McGrath. I assure you that millions of fans will be watching him with interest. Shane Warne is a legend and Indian crowds desperately want to see him now he is back at his best. Adam Gilchrist is awaited with the anticipation of an exploding firecracker.

n)One of the things that disappoint Indian crowds (and Indian cricketers) is the seeming hostility of the Australian cricketers. It can easily lead to ugly situations. I am hoping that you will make a special effort to get along with the crowd and in fact get them on side. It should not be that difficult. In addition, I believe it will certainly help the team not harm it to have the crowds friendly - if at least not neutral.

At this point, I would like to point out that to spend a day at the cricket involves an amazing logistics exercise. You have to get leave from work. Then, you have to fight to get a ticket, spending virtually a whole day's wages on the price, apart from having to queue up for a few hours in the hot sun. Then, on match day he has to spend at least three hours commuting in extremely over-crowded trains and buses. Then, queue up for at least half an hour whilst the cops feel you up. They will confiscate newspapers, glass water bottles, radios and anything that remotely resembles a projectile.

Then, at the ground the loos stink and are filthy. You are lucky if someone else is not already seated in your reserved seat. To evict that person would mean getting a policeman interested. That means a promise of 'baksheesh'. On most grounds, the spectators bake for most of the day. This despite the fact that they don't really need to work on their tans. Therefore, you can well imagine that the crowds are going to be fairly volatile and need to be occasionally kept in good humour!

o) If you want to see the real India or meet some real Indians the way to do it is to accept invitations to go out with them. Go out sightseeing or shopping or visit their homes. I can promise you that it will be a deeply enriching experience. You will not find a more tolerant, hospitable and generous people anywhere in the world. I would like to take the liberty of reminding you about your personal legacy. You will all leave an impression on Indians. Make friends. Please think of life after cricket, in the world's richest cricketing country."

So before a ball has been bowled we have some idea of what we are in for the next seven weeks. The funny thing is, I wonder what the visitors are told before they set foot into Australia?

From Mumbai

JL

You can also read:

Sunday February 11, 2001: LEAVING HOME
Tuesday February 13, 2001: Pre-tour preparations

Pictures: Allsport.
Design: Devyani Chandwarkar